What’s beneath the surface?

So it’s been an interesting few weeks in terms of my health. I am on study leave for university and since classes have finished I have found myself spending a lot more time at home. This has presented problems. My biggest problem is and has always been snacking. I get bored and then I snack; not the healthiest reaction to having nothing to do. I don’t snack on carrots, celery and hummus though; I go straight for the good (incredibly fatty) stuff. Corn chips, chocolate and V energy drink. This has been my life for the past week and a half.

In a previous post I talked about my binge eating habits but what people in my life couldn’t see was what was going on beneath the surface. I sometimes find myself at such a low point emotionally after I binge that I would go to the bathroom and, out of pure self-loathing for my lack of control, I would force myself to bring up everything I had eaten that day. Eating disorders is something that very few people understand properly and even fewer people understand how to handle those who suffer from them. As a training psychologist I learned all about various forms of eating disorders and how destructive they can be; during one lecture on eating disorders I finally came to realize that while I do not suffer from the disease like many others I still suffer. Binge eating and purging can be so harmful psychologically to a person even without them realizing it.Β I have never told anyone of my bulimic tendencies purely out of embarrassment for my weakness and for the fear of them not understanding. I have the most amazing family and boyfriend anyone can ask for, but I have never told them what is going on beneath the surface; I am too scared of what they will say.

You may ask why I am divulging this information to you; a faceless stranger on the internet who may have come across this post by pure accident. It’s easier to admit that you are not okay to someone you don’t know and have never met than to someone who you love and cherish. I try so hard to be strong for those around me and to be the confident happy 21 year old everyone expects me to be when the simple truth is I am not these things. I struggle everyday with my my relationship with food and my relationship with myself. I know my struggles are nothing to be embarrassed about. I know there is help for me if I want it. I now know, it’s okay not to be okay. Do you? If you are reading this and you struggle too please know this. It’s taken me a long time to get to the point of knowing not being okay does not make me weak or less than I should be. It just means it’s going to take me a little bit longer to become the person I truly want to be. Stay strong, stay positive.
Danielle xx

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